As a professional counselor and single mama, I can attest to the burnout that can wreak havoc on those trying to balance “all the things”. While a degree of burnout is, unfortunately, always present in a lot of mama’s lives, the holidays can cause a shift from bright and jolly to burnt out and stressed real quick! In some cases, it seems like the holidays rev the engine of perfectionism to the absolute max. As a trauma-focused counselor, it is not uncommon for me to sit with the stress, panic, and overwhelm of other women trying to plan, create, implement (and then clean up) the perfect, Hallmark-worthy experience for their family. 

Why, you may wonder, is there such pressure placed on a perfect holiday? Why, specifically, are women expected to coordinate such? Whether from external pressure of the family for mom to navigate everything or, more commonly, the internal, ingrained pressure that mom has had placed upon her generationally… it is a holiday recipe for mama burnout. In mom’s mind: “The ornaments on the tree must be perfect, because I’m expected to uphold my flawless decorating role within the family.” “Each child must have fancy, new gifts wrapped nicely in decorative paper, with matching ribbon/bows.” “The house must be spotless, because what will my mother-in-law think if it’s not.” “The kids have to have on their clean, coordinated holiday outfits… and don’t you dare let them get dirty before pictures are taken!” “I can’t overcook the ham in the slightest bit, because Aunt Sue won’t let me hear the end of it.” 

This constant whirlwind of thoughts may begin as early as mid-November and not stop until after the New Year for some mamas. Behind mom’s irritable behavior, her yelling (to not make mess; to just put on your fancy dress; to not play with the decorations), and her frustration is a woman trying desperately to go above and beyond for everyone. Though well-intentioned, mom’s burnout-behaviors seem contradictory to her happy, Hallmark goals.

So, for those of you thrown onto the holiday-burnout-express with mom: gear up, put on a fake smile, don’t make a mess, and stay out of her way – all will be fine! Just kidding… I’m writing this for my fellow mamas that want off the holiday-burnout-express once and for all. 

My tips, as a recovering perfectionist and trauma-focused counselor? Challenge your ingrained instinct for perfection by keeping your goals at forefront of your mind. Ask yourself these questions, to guide you through your holidays:

Is it more important to me to have a spotless house with children sitting as statues on the couch, not messing up anything? Or is having a “lived-in” house with toys scattered, wrapping paper scraps decorating the floor, and kids running around laughing more important to me? 

Is it more important to me that I cook a made-from-scratch, homemade holiday meal that takes me all day to prepare, keeping me stuck in the kitchen from morning until night? Or am I okay with some ready-made options or even a holiday meal prepared by my family’s favorite restaurant (mmm… Bob Evans!) if it means that I can prioritize time with my family (and also have a great meal). 

Am I okay with fully supporting my child’s creativity and allowing them to decorate the tree, even if it means that the Christmas lights are in one jumbled ball in the middle of tree and the ornaments are mix-matched from different “sets”? (And to make us perfectionists squirm just a little more… a random toy or two peaking out of the tree branches, because our kiddo thought it would be a perfect addition to the design aesthetic). 

“Perfection” is a destructive concept that often shames individuals into thinking that they are not enough.

The best gift to yourself this holiday season? 

Accepting yourself (and your loved ones) for however you (and they) are; imperfections, craziness, and all.

Prioritize acceptance and presence over perfection, for the holidays and always. 

With love, 

Your recovering perfectionist, trauma-focused, fellow mama (trying her best, just like you)